5. Through the Eyes of Beryl
Change is the only thing constant in life, and mastering how to handle it is key to our growth. Finding peace amid uncertainty and scarcity is an art, one that becomes more vivid when seen through the eyes of Beryl.
Section 1: Ms Beryl's Midday ETA
Section 2: The Wait
Section 3: The EFT Technique- Psychology with Logic
My body was as distressed as my mind. My sleep was quite possibly the worst I'd ever had. The mosquito net contained any heat in the bunk bed and barricaded air from the fan. My temperature was so irregulated. My mind was clouded with only the thoughts of heat. It would not shut off. Every time I tried to forget, the feeling only grew stronger. I kept thinking of tomorrow and how I would cope. I had a fan yet I was completely struggling. It was one of those extreme moments where I was so uncomfortable. No one was hurt, or dying. The world wasn't ending. But this heat was unimaginable. The anxiety, combined with tossing and turning made me feel like I was in a nightmare. I felt so trapped, so hot I could barely move and getting out of the strategically crafted net would only make me hotter. I was stuck. I lay in the dark patiently waiting for morning to break.
The morning was finally here. The light beamed in the small room of bunk beds. The air loomed thick with fear. Tiredness quickly hit me with anticipation. I scrambled out of bed and got straight in the cold shower. The shower was my one moment of regulation. The cold water was blissful, possibly one of the greatest feelings after such a long night. I tried to savour the shower as much as possible as I knew there was a chance it would be one of my last. As soon as I stepped out of the shower, the warm tropical air enveloped me like a comforting embrace which quickly turned to suffocation. I then stood before the fan so I’d dry before I sweat. The bites on my skin were beginning to show. Trying to ignore it, I put on all my creams got dressed and headed out to the lounge. I pulled out my phone, took a deep breath and began checking the updates of the news. Beryl was quickly approaching and cleared the entirety of Grenada. Horror stories followed and consumed my unconscious. Hell's of water damage, power cuts and deaths swirled in the media. News sources, headlines, and core words are being thrown at my face. The timer was counting down and the final touches of prep were commencing. The hurricane was meant to hit us at 8 pm Jamaican time. However, the rapid destruction of Grenada led to Ms Beryl deciding to hit us eight hours early- how rude. Therefore the ETA had changed, and preparation had multiplied.
MS Beryl Midday ETA
The song that randomly came on while taking in Jamaica’s final beauty
The news of the earlier hit sat quite well with me. It meant it would be light outside (a HUGE relief), less time to wait around and it would be over quicker. With all this chaos going on, I was hungry. So I headed to the kitchen for some Guava jam on toast to ease my rapid anxieties. I woke up so early just feeling so unsteady, so exhausted. The morning dragged on. All I wanted to do was be outside. To take it all in and appreciate this beautiful country before things got ugly.
'Calm before the storm' these four words were uttered multiple times by every person in this house. Those words, while relevant to the situation brought up so many memories of back home- no one knew this of course. It was one of those phrases that triggered a specific core memory. A memory which only I would understand. And the more people said it, the more back home played on my mind. It made me think of people in my life and those that were no longer in my life. It brought on this huge floodgate of emotions. A floodgate that once I allowed access, might’ve hit me in a way that I was underprepared for. The fear was getting to me, making me want to seek comfort. The internal threat of the hurricane was beginning to speak to me- so loudly.
The feelings of stress, anticipation and future remarks are feelings I cannot control yet a common theme I feel in my everyday. Hurricane Beryl was triggering that side of me, the one I cannot control, the kind of fear you cannot prepare for. Since coming out of a long-term relationship my primary goal has been self-soothing, self-love and self-understanding. Bettering every element of my mindset as best as I can alone. Working on my inner voice, and improving in any way I can, even when unfair, unjust or upsetting situations happen. Healing in the right away. Away from another relationship so soon, away from external validation and relying on anyone else. All of this so I could heal in the right way. However, there are times in life when asking for help is ok. Reaching out, communicating my thoughts and leaning on others was ok. When I feel out of control, that's when the fear spikes in me. And hello? This was one of the most out-of-control situations out there! Seek comfort. That's what my brain kept telling me.
So I did.
I stepped outside, walked around our little complex that was guarded by a huge gate and texted those I cared about. Nothing too dramatic don't worry, no goodbyes or cries or regrets made. The message was more of an 'I'm terrified' message to the best friend. 'I'll message you when I can' to my family, and potentially a message to the ex-boyfriend as we are on very good terms and he gave me advice as he had been through something similar. All this helped, all this helped me feel connected, loved and safe, three values of happiness if you think about it. All these replies filled me with hope, assurance and connection. All the things I was seeking and needing in this moment. Yet to add some contrast to the situation- as I’m texting, the most random song comes on. ‘Unchartered Waters by Jonah Hauer- King’ who plays Eric in the live-action remake of The Little Mermaid- yes I know odd choice. But it strangely provided me comfort. Not to mention that The Little Mermaid was my favourite Disney movie growing up. Eric was well, a top-tier prince so it made sense I didn't hate this song. It was like the universe helped me provide this self-soothing comfort. And for that, I was extremely grateful. Oh, and I love musical theatre- so that was nice. I guess while an odd choice- it was better than some swearing heavy bass rap that didn’t fit the vibe. It helped fit my narrative of the adventure I was about to go through- plus I had seen the movie remake so I understood the context behind this song. Standing outside alone, taking deep breaths and enjoying my last moments of the Jamaican air was so special. Don’t get me wrong, I still felt out of control and scared what was to come- but seeking what I needed was an ac of self care I was getting familiar too and that was a pivotal moment.
We're prepping, on our mission to sort the building and prepare for the worst. I looked around me, the wind began gradually picking up and the views of the boarded blue and yellow house stared back at me. The feeling was surreal. This right here might be my last time outside for many days. I had to savour it, breathe through it and get ready to be boarded inside.
Sites before Hurricane Beryl - Ocho Rios
I headed inside, my worldview was mellow, my brain was frazzled and my mindset was weak.
Another bomb was about to hit me. After everything, there was still another loss. Although this time, it was Sam. She told us that she would be staying with her Auntie in a posh hotel around the corner. It was this weird coincidence, the type of coincidence you would be foolish to ignore. So she packed up and left to spend the hurricane with her Auntie who happened to be in the same place without anyone even realising. She would go out, stay there for a few days and return home when it was safe. I didn’t blame her for leaving- I understood. But for some reason, this news broke me. I don’t know why. I was happy she would be safe in a nice environment but it felt as though I was losing people before the hurricane had even started. But then Sam did something so noble and so bold.
Being explorer she is. She previously mentioned to us that she had an SOS Device that would work in any circumstance. It was a satellite communicator with interactive SOS capabilities to reach loved ones in case of an emergency. No signal or WIFI is required- how clever?! She left it with us. Sam claimed it was because she was already with family, so did not need it, yet to me, this was a huge gesture that just outlined how caring and kind she is. She showed me how it worked and the set up (my goodness it was tricky), I then imported one contact per person, tested it out on Mum and kept it on our table display of essential resources.
We hugged Sam goodbye and she headed out to her newfound safety.
It would now be the four of us- Cynthia, Phoebe, Angel and me. We were the dream team who were about to survive a hurricane. We had done the hard work in preparing . We now had to stay in the house and wait for. Ms Beryl’s arrival. We shut the door for the last time. Locked all the windows and doors and began bracing ourselves.
The Wait
So what now? What does one do when waiting for a hurricane? The waiting is the worst, for anything. For a date to arrive, for news in a hospital, a job offer, beng out of control. Are you recognising a theme here? Being out of control is a tough. Being ok with changes is a skill, and I’m recognising that this has become a core lesson I learnt today.
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Learn to accept change, in any form because you can never control it. Instead, go with it and embrace it.
The waiting. The lurking, the witnessing of all of the lights in the room flickering. The fan would slow down only start again- the panic that consumed us every time it went pitch black, it was ongoing, repeativie yet got no easier. I cannot describe this. It’s like that feeling you get when something bad might happen. When your intuition is screaming, telling you to stay home for no reason at all, or certain situations which bring you panic without a clear understanding why. That glimmer and sharpness that makes you listen. It was like that. But dragged out. We knew the reason. We knew what was about to happen. The entire room was showing us that. It was like we were in a haunted house. Any sudden movement, light switch flicker or sound made us jump out of our skin. This period. The wait- it was the scariest of all.
So how do you wait for a hurricane? What do you do? Where do you sit? What was the set-up? I hear you asking all these questions. Well let me tell you this. Some would say it was sinister. The fire in our eyes, the body language fixed and stagnant, the darkening of the room foreshadow more darkness to come. There was only one thing to do. We had to sit and the table- like the last supper. Get our hands together, get our cards ready for the fate that was approaching, the battle that was commencing , the…
UNO game we had to play!
Cmon, this blog isn’t set to terrify you with gore and horror- it’s not that kind of series! I mean realistically, what would you do in our situation? You’d grab a pint, and do something that didn’t involve electricity. So myself, Cynthia to my right, Phoebe opposite me and Angel to my left prepared not only for a hurricane but a feirce game of UNO. our set up of twizzlers, gatorade, Red Stripe and uno cards were readya and it was time.
“Right before we play can we please clarify whether you can put a card down once you pick up 2 or 4 cards”- the important question. We agreed the silly elements of UNO which everyone seems who have been taught and we played. Phoebe was fierce, Cynthia had a poker face and Angel was sipping and winning. “Aren’t we so lucy that we all get on” I said. We all laugh. We’re all enjoying the calm before the storm.
What better way to distract, lighten the mood and occupy our minds? Yes. I had a Red Stripe beer next to me, you would too in this situation. I had people who wanted to play UNO with me and a roof over my head. It’s all about perspective. We played, played, and we played- for hours. And nothing. We began to question. I even made the joke that maybe we were being pranked and this was a reality show and that we were about to be presented with money for sticking it all out. But no. Soon after this joke was made the lights started to turn off, for 30 seconds at a time. The wind outside began picking up, so fast and so loud, you could feel what was happening. You could feel the shift. You could hear the shift. And you could start to see the shift on everyone’s faces. The power sources began to drop.
The EFT Technique- Psychology with Logic
“Once the airflow stops, the mosquitos will lure in and it will feel suffocating. What are we going to do?”
It was at this point we all got in a panic as the air got hotter as we could have no airflow. The room began to darken, with flickering lights every 30 seconds. The sounds began to grow. Trees wacking the outside and the horrid whistles the wind makes fills the room. It was at this point that Angel and I began getting flustered by the heat. I sat on the floor in front of the fan and Angel stayed glued to her seat. It was at this point that Cynthia surprised us all. She asked us “what’s giving you anxiety right now?” to which Angel and I both responded ‘‘The heat.” “We’re panicking so much as it is and I’ve got air flowing right on me’’- I said. ‘‘What happens when it stops- what are we going to do?’’ Angel added with pure terror. “It’s been hell and we’ve had the luxury of fans", I said with a break in my voice. “Once the airflow stops, the mosquitos will lure in and it will feel suffocating, What are we going to do?” I say. Cynthia then says “Right, girls I want you to listen to me. I want to try and exercise with you,” she says. It’s called the EFT technique. “In line with my line of work, I use it to reduce anxiety in my clients,” she says in a confident tone.
Sites of Hurricane Beryl
She explained that the beginning stage involved identifying the ‘set up statement’. This set-up statement was our issue of concern. To myself and Angel this issue was the concern of the heat that would gradually grow stronger- the unbearable, panics and uncontrollable, unconfident ability to deal with it. ‘Ok’ Cynthia said.
I remained on the floor, on the cooler tiles with the fan pointing directed at me and Angel. We both looked at each other. Cynthia follows,
“Even though I have this problem of feeling anxious with the heat, I deeply and completely accept myself”. This statement was the exposure piece, combined with the cognitive piece as per Blacher’s (2023) research. Cynthia then repeats this statement over and over . She then tells us to copy her tapping.
She tapps the top of her head, her eyebrow, under eye, side eye, under the nose, under the mouth while saying “Even though I have this problem of feeling anxious with the heat, I deeply and completely accept myself”. She moves down to her collarbone. “Even though I have this problem of feeling anxious with the heat, I deeply and completely accept myself”- side of her hand “Even though I have this problem of feeling anxious with the heat, I deeply and completely accept myself” and lastly, the side of her arm. We copy her and join in saying the phrase aloud. Our rating the first time is still high. Second time, our anxieties are still high, but by the third we realise our attention is more on the rating than the anxiety. Cynthia continued and explained that the technique was used on her clients in therapy. She was in front of us, doing this technique until it worked. Our set-up statement was being recognised, our mind was connecting to our bodies through acupuncture pressure points and we did this until the hurricane began approaching. I was tapping and the lights would flicker, tap tap, fan tripped, tap, lights go out.
We continued the technique in near darkness. The panic arose, the airflow and fans stopped and the EFL technique is what saved me. The tapping continued as everything crashing around me. We took deep breaths and had our eyes shut continuing the practice until we felt we could stop. There was now no more fans, no electricity and maybe even no water. I moved from the floor to the sofa, phoebe and Angel next to me and Cynthia on the couch opposite. It was now patience, persistence and calm that would get us through. So we made our own comforts and looked out the window at the craziness. The big window that couldn’t be bordered up provided us with a view. A way we could watch outside, which somehow made us feel in more control. Who new the sliding window with a bug net shield was my favourite place in a hurricane due to the fresh air to come through. That air, it felt so precious- who even says that. What followed was unforgettable scenes, burring wind, swaying trees and Bob Marley playing, (only fitting really) for comfort. I sat there, for hours munching on Twizzlers and sipping so many juice box’s living in what would later be a core memory. We lay on the couch, sticking to it but feeling calmer in our minds knowing we were not outside. I spent my time waiting, watching and sleeping. I can’t lie- it was not what I envisioned. I didn’t expect to be so lazy.
We had all of our stuff raised above the floor in case of flooding, medical kits in the middle of the table and a gas cooker (the camping one) to cook with. Yet I was laying here with a juice box falling asleep. Hell was outside but unwinding was inside. It was confusing, yet made me grateful for choosing to go through the programme, instead of being completely alone. Although we couldn’t get out of Jamcian- I was erging in the culture and a hurricane was just that. Nothing back home consumed me. I didn’t worry. Just this present moment and how resilient I had become.
Things began to pick up, the wind howled ferociously, rattling the windows as we all sat frozen in place. Just then, with a deafening crack, a massive branch fell right in front of our faces, and the force felt as though it shock the ground in the house. The sky had darkened even further into a shade of eerie grey shining over the tree like a spotlight. The rain continued to pour, drowning the branch. The air began feeling electric from the storm where I quickly slammed the window shut. We all just stared at the branch. In shock with our hearts racing. The fury of the hurricane was in front of us and we backed away. Nature in all its chaos was both terrifying and humbling. Were things going to get worse? Is this the worst of it?
All I wanted to do was sleep. To lay down, on the couch where it seemed to be cooler and sleep and forget everything around me. I plugged in my earphones, laid my head down and lay there snoozing for as long as I could because the thought of the bunk beds filled me with terror. But my sleep panics didn’t let me escape. I woke up sweating, confused and hungry. Everyone around me seemed calm, reading their books, sleeping or making some food. The sensations were suffocating. The day was never-ending. I couldn’t wait for it all to be over.
What would the night bring? Were things going to settle, would we have any hot water or chance of getting out anytime soon? Would I find a way to deal with the unbearable heat? How many more bug bites would I get?
Stay tuned,
Muahs,
Eves
xoxo
References:
Blacher, S. (2023) ‘Emotional freedom technique (EFT): Tap to relieve stress and Burnout’, Journal of Interprofessional Education & Practice, 30, p. 100599. doi:10.1016/j.xjep.2023.100599.
